A LETTER TO MY 30 YEAR OLD SELF
Updated: Oct 14, 2020
Dear ‘Me, at thirty’,
Are you surprised to hear from me? Honestly speaking, going retro is quite my thing but I have never thought of chatting with you. To make things easier, let’s call you THIRTY from now on.
Thirty, when the two of us were on the same page, I did not know your value. Now I wish I had those extra years. We discovered a good foundation in Jesus after searching in the dark for so long. But you were so caught up in becoming a career woman that you neglected a few important things. Thirty, I wish you were not so submissive and fearful. People your age were travelling the globe and experiencing failure but you stayed. Like a little boat close to the shore, afraid of breaking what was “fragile”. Why didn’t you take chances? Why didn’t you think outside the box? Obedience is good but it does not equate with burying a dream. And excuse me, you were Thirty and old enough.
Then, Thirty, I wish you had been a bit more aware of people. Especially the ones who could not speak for themselves, the ones who needed to talk to someone. Your brother Keith - he needed someone to talk to but you were so busy with your own survival plan that you expected him to get his own act together. Now, at thirty, he has been gone five years and you still think of how your chance passed you by. You & I forgave ourselves after a very long struggle. Thirty, this struggle matured you. You did watch out for people and reassured them that they never stood alone and that was an invaluable thing because now you live with no regrets. You tried to be tolerant of people and easily overlooked faults. This may seem foolish to some, but I’m glad you were that way. It has made life a lot sweeter.
Do you remember that night you talked to God? It was pouring rain when you asked Him, “Lord if you really mean business with me, I need a sign that you have a promise for me. Open a small spot in the clouds and pin me the brightest star you have.” Hardly five minutes later, the rain stopped; an opening appeared above you and the brightest star dazzled in the night sky. Later, it rained for five days straight. That star still comforts you when it shows up from time to time. I wish others find their star too. You always wrote letters to the Lord. And you still write to Him today. Over the years there have been many sad goodbyes and a few hellos. Some changes have been good, others not so. But the unchanging One stayed.
Soon, Thirty, you will be married and become a Mother. You will be gifted seven years of marriage & two priceless Jewels. I have no regrets about the brevity of our marriage: they seem to have been what was rightfully ours. However, in the gift of Motherhood, I remain grateful forever.
Motherhood, not birthing alone, is loving beyond your capabilities. It is sacrifice and dying to many things because in dying is the best love born. Hebrew uses ‘word pictures’ and the picture for ‘EL SHADDAI’ is a nurturing Mother. A mother is a maverick fitted in and designed to specification. She turns a house into a HOME. You mess with a mother, you get the claws.
Our Mother taught me faith, resilience and kindness. Experience taught me that Mothers don’t need to know everything all the time. We must be vigilant, open-minded and humble enough to learn. Mothers have to believe that there’s a way out of the maze. Their bird's eye view comes in handy when teaching fledgelings
Thirty, we could write a book, but for now, thank you for being a chapter in mine. A chapter that tells a story of youth, uncertainty and hope. I am grateful to have known you and proud to have been you.
Yourself from the future,
'This virtuous woman lives in the wonder, awe, and fear of the Lord. She will be praised throughout eternity.'
~ Proverbs 31:30 (The Passion Translation)
Contributed by Kathy Samuel Njoroge